Procrasti-mate.
(UP FROM BLACK)
NARRATOR
Good morning and welcome to our show. Today I have the dubious honor of being your host for this television project. This being non-narrative, i.e. non-fiction, anything that I say here should be taken as the Truth, with a capital T, and not some relativistic, postmodern half-assed version thereof.
Even though I might not believe this truth, I am bound by my obligation as Narrator to read what is written on this page, nothing more nothing less, as concocted by the writer/director. These words, therefore, are not my own. End of disclaimer.
Having cleared that up, let’s move on to the main topic of our show today, a discovery so groundbreaking, so mind-boggling, so flabbergasting that it’ll transform life on Earth as we know it.
But before I get to that, allow me to talk about something close to my heart: Procrastination.
The online encyclopedia Wikipedia defines… Hey, what? Yeah, yeah I’ll get to it. I will. Just let me do this first OK? So, Wikipedia defines Procrastination as “the deferment or avoidance of an action or task to a later time. For the person procrastinating this may result in stress, a sense of guilt, the loss of productivity, the creation of crisis, and the chagrin of others for not fulfilling one’s responsibilities or commitments. Chronic procrastination may be a sign of an underlying psychological or physiological disorder.”
Don’t you just love Wikipedia? Imagine. An encyclopedia put together by people all across the globe… OK, OK I’ll get on with it. “The psychological causes of procrastination vary greatly, but generally surround issues of anxiety, low sense of self-worth and a self-defeating mentality.”
“Research on the physiological roots of procrastination mostly surrounds the role of the prefrontal cortex. Damage or low activation in this area can reduce an individual’s ability to filter out distracting stimuli, resulting in poorer organization, a loss of attention and increased procrastination.”
Thank you dear.
When you procrastinate, even the most mundane, infinitesimal minutiae become fascinating. Watching paint dry is a joy, or in this case watching paint that has been dry for years and years, which is no less enthralling. People, faces, hands, ears, nostrils, fingers, cuticles, all acquire a new level of wonder. Inanimate objects take on new life.
But at the end of the day what’ve you achieved? Well in this case, a script. Yes this very text that I present to you today is the direct result of procrastination, mixed with a healthy dose of boredom, and a pinch of self-loathing.
And so now, without further ado, I’ll move on to the main topic of the evening. A discovery so groundbreaking, so mind-boggling, so flabber – what? Oh. OK. Folks it seems we’re out of time. But we’ll always have next week. Take care of yourselves and each other. Good night and good luck.
(FADE TO BLACK)
Meedo Taha received an Honorary PhD in Procrastination from The School of Hard Knocks in 2008. He gives daily lectures on the subject to a packed audience of one.